How to let love go?
That heart stretch for love to grow, change, die and rebirth as we are not in control or in charge of this game of life nor the contents of another’s heart. It can be painful, it can be downright scary but it also comes with life’s richest rewards of joy, integrity, giving and acceptance. A necessary part of being alive, we must die.
Watching my darling sis go through a breakup at 30 believing she’s wasted time and a fear that she may not find another: a reminder how heartbreak can make us believe love is fragile and impermanent. We want to hold on, clam up or shut down in the face of pain. What a confusing notion as love is actually the opposite- expansive and open.
I had to stay in my heart and consciously let go. Its waves healing my holey heart. Our herd recently got smaller. Suki, a stunning bay mare with a Gaian energy came to live here two years ago. She strides out with her charismatic style, winning her quiet way into all our hearts. She is not demanding, rather strong and self sufficient. Gifted to me with a tiny unconvincing caveat (that’s how I wanted it) that her previous owner, Anna may want her back to put her in foal one day. Suki, a mother twice already, has a radar for the foals in the valley. She kept watch at calving time over the fence checking on a baby calf that mother walked away, calling out for me to come and check.
Anna facing her own heart passage as she looks upon an empty nest with her teenagers grown, asked for Suki back to have another foal. To say this was easy, it is not to let go of a family member. I could have inched my heels in and held on, but when I tune into what Suki wants…she wants to be a mother again. She loves it, she’s born for it. I appreciate Anna for her generous spirit and kind soul. So with a stretching heart, she was collected and took her time getting on the float. Unsure exactly who was her owner and was it ok for her to go? There was this moment when she put her head on my chest and sent me so much love, it broke me right open.
When she got off the float at her new/old home, she was beside herself with excitement. Both her foals, now 7 year and 3 year olds were running up the fence line to see her. In the horse world, it is rare that families stay together or get to reconnect. Horses get ferried around the country and sold for sport. To be able to give this to Suki was a blessing, even if it hurt to say goodbye. I keep finding myself calling out her name and her bestie Sav has a long face.
When I went to see her, she was clearly very happy and hardly paid me any attention. I could feel myself contract ouch, but I sat with it and realised it is not about me. Love is patient and kind, putting aside our own desires and insecurities.
It may not be for forever, hopefully dear Suke will be back walking these hills again, mothering all in her wake. Spreading her love to both Anna and me, teaching about sovereignty and respect, that we don’t own these beautiful creatures, we are their custodians and that when we see them that way, love and depth reigns.