Dear Twenty-Two Year Old Self,
Recently I read emails that you’d sent to friends and I heard your voice once more. The stretchy, sometimes frenetic, quirky self expression as you made attempts at funny word play and at times sexual innuendo nonsense in bids for connection.
How you held closely to this train of creative energy that burst forth, unsure of it, yourself, your world and what direction to take. How the world seemed so big, yet also too small for the amount of energy you had, a constant buzz with an incessant blurring mind that never stopped.
How could you fail with what you did not know? How could you trust skills you did not have to love yourself and to grow in relationship? How could you choose peace when all you knew was how to mask, strive, please, appease and think of others’ needs before yourself? How could you be grounded when all you knew was how to push yourself further into achievement? How could you be still when all you knew was to run or take flight? How could you relax when you were wired into overthinking and rumination held closely to your chest as bedtime stories? How could you find quiet when you only knew how to fix or think harder to problem solve?
Now nearly 25 years later, can you forgive yourself for what you did not know? Can you forgive yourself for your impulsive, narcissistic, self-absorbed, anxious wanderings? Can you forgive yourself for your regrets over treating others badly? Can you forgive yourself for your brashness and being fickle over big and small things? Can you forgive yourself for rash decisions that lead to what if regrets?
As your middle aged self, I can give you that, dear one.
I can scoop you up in my arms and shower you with the tenderness you craved yet didn’t accept. I can hold your hand and tell you it’s all going to be alright. Not because life is free of challenges or misfortune, but that even in spite of the pain and loss that is being human, you are loved and can express love. How one day you will learn to embrace the peace and quiet, and learn to love being in stillness.
And what a gift that is.
May all beings be happy- in peace and love.
Bang On About 
Just getting around to reading this Ames – you are one special lady! I love you so very much! All is calm and slow and so quiet here this afternoon. Big change this year in the summer holidays because the girls are so much more independent and organising themselves and their social lives. We had a looong day at Erina yesterday while they ticked off all their back to school crappola, I went to so many bloody shops to look at different backpacks with Holly and we came home empty handed! One of Em’s friends, Georgia, is hopping on a plane just now heading to France for the next 6 months. She was jumping out of her skin with excitement the last few days and I saw her Mum this morning getting ready to say goodbye. Did you do any exchanges or big trips away at that age? I guess I was already at boarding school so it wasn’t that different but I would find it hard to take Em to the airport today and say goodbye for 6 months! What an adventure that would be though! I miss you my dear dear friend and I hope you’ve been having a lovely Summer up there. I have been doing barely anything, allowing myself afternoon naps and lying around reading my book during the day. Its so nice and usually I have a little voice in my head saying “be productive!” but I decided to push that one aside for a few weeks and just be…I think its called ‘radical rest’ on instagram! Today was my first day back in the ‘office’ and Hannah and I presented a garden design to one of our clients in Macmasters. Its a design to bring back biodiversity and native flora and fauna to her bushy garden. OMG it is the most delightful and pleasurable ‘work’ I’ve ever done! We have the best time spending hours doodling pictures and discussing plant options and then I’ve been watercolour painting the designs while Hannah writes excessively long notes and instructions to go along with the picture. Its awesome! Have you been working over the holidays or having a break? How is it all going being a psychologist Ames? – you are such a professional these days! So much more to talk about, shall we organise a phone chat soon? Let me know what days are good for you? Sending lots and lots of love and cuddles to you and Tim and Quinny and Beau Beau (probably not allowed to call them that anymore am I??! ;-)) Love you Ames, Love Span xxoxoxooxo
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